I am nearing the end of my 23rd year of continuous sobriety. So much has changed in these years. My ideas, my dreams, my beliefs, my vision. In the beginning, it was parenting two teenagers with a new mindset (having had a psychic change as a result of the Steps) they were a little annoyed that their unconscious mother was now suddenly aware of everything they were up to...still in denial about their drugs...but getting a new vibe when they were explaining where they wanted to go and what they were planning to do. All cover up stories...very much their mother's children. By God's grace and mercy they made it to adulthood and are sober...amazing people. Its very cool to be on this side of that parenting thing...
Also, my relationship with God went from me bossing around Him around to this place of marvel and awe and experiencing His great favor and expansive love for me. I am daily aware of His skill in relationship building. Its because love is at His core. It is His nature and transcends the petty perspectives of self-centered offenses. One of the areas we all struggle in is relationships. I have made my mess of things and watched others make theirs. I have experienced some pretty painful relationship situations and not always handled things well. But what I want for myself is a greater portion of God's kind of love where "a deal is a deal." I see His utter inability to abandon His commitments motivates Him to stay in it with me for the eternity kind of long haul. I want this for my life...and the Steps provide the tools for it to happen. In the 12x12 I learn that whenever I'm disturbed its because I have a problem with the way I am looking at things. I love to cast the problem on others or circumstances (blaming), but the fact is...it is about me. Another thing I witness is a resistance to finding one's own part. Pride will always stand in the way of seeing how I "stepped on the toes on another" and experienced their "retaliation."
As a Jesus girl, I have to listen to his words when he says "if your sister has something against you, leave your gift at the altar and go and make amends with them" He wants us to take care of people issues before we move in prayer and meditation. He's not having any of it until an attempt is made to clean things up. For all of it to work - I have to follow the directions.
As my birthday approaches I am grateful. I pray my next year and many after are rich in humility with the capacity to say, "our friendship is suffering and I see my part. It is this...and I am sorry." I pray I am able to hurdle resentment and bitterness with light feet "shod with the Gospel of Grace." I pray I can grow above my own self-centered perspective and be truly free.
No matter if I walk this path gracefully or falling on my face, I'm committed to it and today it is good to be me.
